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| Compassionate Connections ~ Needs by Donna Nichter (Published in Light Bridges Magazine - 8/09)
Clarity, integrity, choice, support, understanding, ease – these were the needs most present for me a short time ago when I was experiencing a difficult family situation. Until I took the time to slow down and figure out what my actual needs were, I was caught in my drama, vilifying the “system” and feeling angry, miserable and helpless. Feelings are a good indication of the state of our needs. Feeling lousy, generally means our needs are not met, feeling comfortable probably means they are met. When I was able to get in touch with and experience the energy of these needs as what was alive in me, so yearning to be fulfilled, I was then able to take purposeful action to meet them. The support I received from so many people when I reached out and clearly requested it was amazing and I am filled with gratitude. The Compassionate Communication process and consciousness supported me to return to center and feel inner peace.
Needs are at the very core of Compassionate Communication. For a long time now, needs have gotten a bad rap. Many people have perceptions of someone having needs or seeking to get needs met as “needy”, “dependent”, or "selfish", they may think they aren’t deserving or even that needs are something to be transcended. In Compassionate Communication we define needs differently, my interpretation is that they are life energies that flow through us, qualities that yearn to be manifest thru us, those values that are universal and when fulfilled lead to life enrichment of being human. By universal, I mean we all share the same needs across all cultures, race, age and gender. It may be that what is most present differs. Perhaps one person has present needs for safety, food and shelter, another for truth, creativity and self expression. Yet, on a deeper level, both have within them all of these beautiful qualities. It is when we go to this depth that we are able to connect to ourselves, one another and to the whole.
Anything anyone ever says or does is in the service of getting a need met, consciously or unconsciously. When I really got this premise, it made a huge difference in how I perceived my behavior and that of others. Judgment and criticism transformed to understanding, discernment and compassion for self and others. One day, when my 12 year old son spoke to me louder than I was comfortable with, I paused before reacting and escalating the situation. Could it be he had needs for space, clarity and consideration as he was studying, and my walking into the room abruptly asking a question stimulated tension? It does not mean I accepted that he raise his voice to me, it does mean I have a greater understanding, empathy and consideration after conversing about what would meet his needs. In Compassionate Communication everyone’s needs matter, so after figuring out what strategies would meet his, we then agreed on what would meet mine as well. With a conscious intention to provide opportunities to meet one another’s needs from a place of natural giving, rather than a place of fear, guilt or shame we have created a relationship of deeper connection and joy.
There is a difference between needs and the strategies we use to meet them. Needs are universal and strategies are specific. Focus on a single strategy to fulfill a need can lead to (or come from) scarcity and conflict, while connecting at the need level can open up to the abundance of possibilities. As I write this, I am in Florida with my family. Alas ~ we all have different strategies on how to meet our needs…My husband chooses golf, my son dance and hanging with friends and I like to float and read. Once upon a time, this led to conflict on how we would spend our time. But when we take a look at some of the needs we all were trying to fulfill – my husband, for fun and relaxation; my son, for learning, movement, fun and relaxation; myself, relaxation, learning and fun too, we came up with ways to meet them individually and together. We all value closeness as well and balance our time apart with time together as a family playing, swimming and just hanging out.
Compassionate Connections Practice ~ I invite you to take time thru out the day to pause and consider what your present needs are. And then, consider what others’ needs may be as well, especially those with whom you are having difficulty understanding. Sometimes it is challenging to identify needs in the moment - you can access a downloadable list @ http://www.cnvc.org/en/learn-online/needs-list/needs-inventory.
Compassionate Communication is inspired by the work of Marshall Rosenberg, founder of The Center for Nonviolent Communication - more info is available at www.cnvc.org | |
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