Compassionate Connections ~ Intention
By Donna Nichter
(Published in Light Bridges Magazine - 9/09)
If there is only one thing people take away with them from a Compassionate Communication introduction, I would like it to be the consciousness. One of the main frames enveloping Compassionate Communication is the intention to connect ~ with self, another and the Life Energy that flows through all of us.
It’s not about getting your way, manipulating someone to do something or changing someone else’s behavior. It isn’t about being “nice” all the time either - it’s about being authentic and inviting others to be the same. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of The Center for Nonviolent Communication (cnvc.org) on which Compassionate Communication is inspired, says “The objective of Nonviolent Communication is not to get what you want. The goal is to create a quality of connection that seeks to get everyone’s needs met through ‘compassionate giving’ - acting from the natural enjoyment of contributing to each other’s well being.” It is a moment to moment choice to take the time to establish this quality of relationship as a priority and create a trust that we genuinely value everyone’s needs being met. For example, it is more important for me that my son and I have a relationship where we listen and hear one another, than he pick up his socks (although that would be nice too!) He is more likely to pick up his socks if he understands it as a choice that flows from his innate sense of natural giving, that he is contributing toward fulfilling my needs for order, support and beauty rather than a demand, “should” or “have to” which may create guilt, shame or anger. Although Compassionate Communication gives us the language to facilitate our intentions, we can use all the right words and formulas, but if it is not in the spirit of connection the words are empty and ineffective. When we stop trying to be right or win all the time and focus on improving our connections, we have more peace of mind and harmony in our lives - everyone benefits.
Connection to self, also called self empathy, means taking the time to get in touch with what’s alive in you at any one moment. Take the time to be with the energy of whatever is present. When we deny or repress uncomfortable feelings or unmet needs it will most often manifest in some way physically, emotionally or spiritually. To acknowledge and be present with what is, allows us to respond accordingly and move forward. Connection with another means being present to their experience in this same way, expressed by Chuang-Tze as “the hearing of the spirit ... demands the emptiness of all the facilities...then the whole being listens. There is then a direct grasp of what is right there before you that can never be heard with ear or understood with the mind”
Intentionally connecting is a gift to ourselves and one another allowing for an open heart and mind to experience the life energy that flows through all of us. It helps me to envision the process as circular, there really is no beginning or end point. One may begin by connecting to self, another or the divine energy that flows through all of us. Consciously entering into any starting point can facilitate a connection to the rest.
Compassionate Connection Practice: I invite you to take a breath. Silently form the intention to connect to yourself. Notice what are you observing with your five senses.
What are you feeling? What needs are most present? Is there anything you can ask of yourself or another to bring fulfillment? When entering into an interaction with another ~ silently ask yourself what they may be feeling and needing - you can offer this as silent empathy or check in with the person and ask if this is what they are experiencing. Even if you don’t guess “right” they will have a sense of your caring and you have created an opening for deeper connection. You can access a feelings list at: http://www.cnvc.org/en/learn-online/feelings-list/feelings-inventory and a needs list at: http://www.cnvc.org/en/learn-online/needs-list/needs-inventory